My Dark Coach
by Elena Layner
Summary: Elena Layner is an ambitious girl at Hogwarts, who wants to learn more from Snape than she does in the official Potions lessons, and experiences how much you have to endure to gain Snape's approval. Rated M for presumably two chapters
1. Approach

AN: English is not my mother language, so please excuse any language mistakes. You're welcome to correct me!

**Chapter I: Approach**

Normally I was never nervous before entering a class. I was one of the best students in my year, so not even an examination could really upset me, although I was taking them seriously. However, this was only normally. It was true for every subject except for one – Potions.

It was not that I didn't like Potions, on the contrary! It fascinated me. And it was a challenge. Like in most of the other subjects, I was top of the class. However, there was a great difference. In spite of receiving better results in potion-making than any of the others, I was not satisfied with my work, nor seemed our teacher – Professor Snape. He was not satisfied with anyone and it was hard to imagine that he had ever been or would ever be.

I am quite sure that almost every single student at Hogwarts thought of Potions as his least favourite subject and the main reason probably was Professor Snape. Potions was an especially difficult subject anyway, but it didn't help much that he didn't seem to believe in any of us. Moreover he was rather intimidating.

Every time he slowly walked through the rows while we were struggling with the task he had set us, he would look into every cauldron and his black eyes would narrow in disgust and he would turn away in one of his abrupt movements which made some strands of his hair fly with the jerk. At the sight of some especially feeble attempts a sneer would curl his lips and whenever someone even managed to make his cauldron melt, spill Potion onto the floor or cause an explosion, he would glare at this unlucky person and scold him in his most dangerously quiet sort of voice.

Fortunately, I was never one of those people. I was extremely careful to do everything right, but to my utter annoyance my potions were never flawless by comparison with how they should look and smell like according to the book. At first, after one of my better tries, I had watched Professor Snape's expression closely, hoping for an approving glace or a compliment as I was used to get from every other teacher, not to mention all the points I had already earned. However, I had soon given up on those hopes. The best I could get was an emotionless mask. It was depressing.

Sometimes, I wondered what Professor Snape was expecting from us. That we were all born with the ability and instinct to brew every potion perfectly? Apparently he himself was blessed with those qualities – and that was why I respected him.

In contrast to everybody else, I was not making hateful and rather vulgar remarks about him in the common room. I didn't approve of his teaching methods either and I held my breath every time he came close to me, yes, but at the same time I was fascinated by him. He didn't love his students, but I could tell that he did love his subject. And sometimes I was really sad about this. He seemed a genius to me, but he apparently thought his students useless and probably he also knew that they hated him. Because of this, he didn't try hard to teach them how to do it properly. And this, I thought, was such a waste.

Gradually, I became obsessed by the wish to discover the secrets of Potion making. I hung on his every word, but his explanations were rare and vague, which was frustrating as I could tell that there was far more behind them he could have shared with us.

*

One day, in yet another period of tension in the gloomy dungeon classroom, we were supposed to brew an Anti-Dizziness Potion. All the instructions had appeared on the blackboard after a tap of Snape's wand, so – theoretically – you just had to follow them. However, in the end of the lesson not a single cauldron was filled with the clear, colourless liquid, which could have been mistaken for water without its bitter odour. I was rather satisfied with the smell of my potion, but it was slightly murky and had a greenish shade. Stirring didn't help and I had neither an idea why it hadn't become clear, nor what I could do about it.

I didn't want to bother Angela, who was sitting next to me, with this problem as she was busy trying not to inhale too much of the orange smoke her cauldron was emitting.

'What is this?' a deep, cold voice demanded from behind us. Professor Snape had approached unnoticed and pointed at Angela's bowl which contained a light pink powder.

Angela gave a start.

'Crushed Avendus blooms, sir,' she answered shyly.

'And what did I tell you about them?'

Angela seemed to shrink under Snape's glare and said nothing. Snape waited for a few seconds, and then he said, 'I told you that only the white blooms of the Avendus can be used in combination with the Icicleweed roots.'

Angela bit her lip.

'Ten points from Ravenclaw. You'll pay attention next time or it will be detention,' Snape went on in a dangerous tone. 'And now you'll get rid of this mess before the first students start fainting.'

With an angry expression, Angela drew her wand and mumbled, 'Evanesco!'

Once her potion and with it the orange smoke had disappeared, the smell of my own potion became more perceptible. Snape stepped forward to have a look into my cauldron with the hint of curiosity, but when he saw my murky liquid, a small frown formed between his eyebrows.

'Have you finished, Miss Layner?' he asked.

'I think so, sir,' I answered nervously.

'Pity,' said Snape and noted down an 'A'. I was disappointed. I had hoped to receive an 'E' for my correct odour, and after all, my potion looked the best compared to all other potions in my field of view.

Professor Snape went on, his cloak swaying behind him.

A few minutes later, he set us an essay about the Mornfey Potion we were to brew next lesson as homework and told us to clean up. The students hurried to do so in order to spend not one second more than necessary in the dungeons and within Snape's uncomfortable presence. I, however, stayed behind and slowly went to the front. Snape was bent over his bag when I stopped in front of his desk, and I waited patiently. Finally, he looked up and noticed me.

'What do you want?' he asked indifferently. He sounded as though he already knew the answer.

'It's about my potion, sir,' I said politely, trying not to sound too shy. I didn't want him to think that I believed him to be a nasty person who would shout at me if I dared to ask a question. 'I was just wondering whether you could tell me why it didn't turn clear as water in the end.'

Snape considered me for a moment, and to be honest, I _was_ quite relieved that he didn't shout at me.

'You added too much pus,' he said simply. I was taken aback. I had measured all ingredients with so much care that I was sure I had done nothing wrong. I thought frantically how to put my objection as polite as possible.

'But… I took seven ounces, sir. That was correct, wasn't it?'

'It was,' Snape agreed. 'But you must be accurate to the drop with this potion. The pus alone is toxic. If someone had drunk your potion, he would have suffered from a headache afterwards. The ratio between the pus and the flower venom must be exact.'

'Are they one of the Fisher pairs you mentioned a few weeks ago, sir?' I asked eagerly. There was a tiny trace of surprise on Snape's otherwise emotionless face. Apparently he had not expected anyone to remember and I was encouraged to go on. 'Two noxious ingredients which have a positive effect when used together because they extinguish each others harmfulness and release a new substance?'

'Indeed,' Snape confirmed slowly.

'But how do you manage to get the ratio that exact, sir?'

'You have to correct the inaccuracy in the end until the liquid is completely colourless. You have to do it drop by drop. If the potion is greenish – like yours – you must add more flower venom, if it is yellowish, more pus is necessary.'

'I see. Thank you very much, sir. Um, may I ask one more question?' Snape gave me a slight nod and I went on, 'How do I know if I am dealing with a Fisher pair or not?'

Snape sneered and said, 'This is mush deeper in the subject than the level of anyone in this class.'

This comment made me even more interested and I looked at him hopefully. However, he turned back to his bag and let it shrink until it fitted into the inside pocket of his robes. When he saw that I hadn't moved an inch, he said, 'This is nothing I could teach you within a few minutes. I'm going to have lunch now.'

There was too much finality in his voice for me to dare say anything further.

*

During my afternoon lessons my thoughts kept drifting to the conversation with Professor Snape, and directly afterwards I hurried to the library in order to look for information on Fisher pairs. After almost an hour, the only additional information I had found was: '_Each pair is composed of a gelidus toxin and a fervidus toxin._' I couldn't make much out of this though.

Slightly disappointed, I switched my attention to homework. It was Tuesday and the next double Potions wouldn't be until Friday, so Snape's essay did not have top priority yet. But when I came to think about it, we only had to practice a spell for Charms, which I had already managed in classes, for the next day. Then there was a chapter to be read for Herbology which was due on the day after next and the rest was only for Friday like Potions. As I had already worked over the whole Herbology book during the last holidays, I only had to refresh my memory by reading my notes. This was quickly done and before five o'clock I was ready to start with my essay about the Mornfey Potion.

I was willing to spend the rest of the day on it if necessary. I wanted it to be the very best I could do. I needed Snape in a good mood as I was determined to find out more about Fisher pairs.

'_This is nothing I could teach you within a few minutes.'_

But he hadn't said it was nothing he could teach me at all, had he?

Three hours later I had collected all information I could get and structured my notes. After dinner I made myself comfortable in the common room and dictated my essay to my quill in a low voice. In the end I had filled about forty inches of parchment. It probably was the longest essay I had ever written and I was satisfied. I had already lifted the spell off my quill when I hesitated. I picked up the quill again, my hand trembling slightly. I thought it over once more. I really wanted Snape to teach me – properly. But I was too intimidated by him and was quite sure that I would not have the courage to ask him. Anyway, was there a probability at all that he would agree? But I had to try or I would never rest and if I was too much of a coward to ask him directly, there was no other way but to write to him.

I took a deep breath and added a paragraph under my essay.

_Dear Professor Snape,_

_I wasn't able to find out what gelidus and fervidus toxins are and I was wondering whether you could help me there. I would be really thankful if you could teach me a bit of your knowledge as I see it as a great chance. But of course I will understand if you have more important things to do._

_Elena Layner_

That was it. Like this he would be able to just ignore it if I annoyed him. Now I could do nothing but wait for Friday.

*

I was sitting behind my cauldron, nervous as ever, my parchment on the table in front of me.

'I hope you have done your homework more properly than last time so that we will have, for once, no T-potion in the end,' Snape said scornfully, summoning all the essays with a wave of his wand.

As I had hoped, Professor Snape read them while we were brewing our potions. I was of course very well prepared, but I found it hard to concentrate and I shot a glance in Snape's direction every now and then. Finally I spotted my unmistakably long roll of parchment in his hands. Fortunately I was just at the step '_Leave it over the fire fore seven minutes'_ and had time to watch him discreetly. But as always, his thoughts stayed a secret. I noticed just in time that he was about to look up from the parchment – and probably in my direction – to fix my eyes upon my potion.

At least he hadn't looked angry.

I didn't dare look in Snape's direction for the rest of the lesson and put all my efforts into my potion. I did notice, however, that he seemingly inadvertently skipped my row when taking his usual stroll along the cauldrons. What could that mean? I found it rather disturbing and was perfectly sure that it was not inadvertently at all.

Near the end of the lesson the essays were distributed by magic. I unrolled my parchment eagerly and inspected the bottom. There was just a single 'E' written in neat handwriting. I tried to convince myself that I was not disappointed, because as far as I knew nobody had ever received an O from Snape. But I could not deny that I was disappointed at the lack of any comment on my additional note.

When the bell had rung, I dawdled over my cleaning up in order to give Snape the chance to talk to me if he wanted to. Finally Angela was the last one who left the dungeon after I had convinced her to go on as I allegedly wanted to return a book to the library anyway.

After the door had closed behind her, it was perfectly quiet in the classroom, except for the rustling I made while stuffing my Potions book carefully into my bag. I already wondered whether Snape had left without me having noticed – as I was still avoiding looking in his direction – when footsteps were finally approaching me. I closed the buckle of my bag with slightly sweaty fingers and it was only when the footsteps stopped in front of my table that I looked up at last.

Snape's face was as unreadable as ever and I tried not to give anything away with my expression either, although I probably didn't manage nearly as good as he did. He scrutinized me for a moment before he finally spoke.

'I have read your note.'

I waited.

'Do you intend to enter a profession which concerns Potions, Miss Layner?'

'I could imagine that very well, sir,' I answered at once, hope growing inside me.

'Then you will still have to learn very much, but at least you seem to have more potential than the… rest of you.' He put a lot of disapproval into the last three words and made another pause in which I held my breath expectantly. His tone became some degrees sterner when he continued, 'You may come to my office tomorrow night at six pm, but let me make one point very clear. I will not waste my time if you don't work hard. If I give you additional lessons, I expect you to take them very seriously and show improvement. Do you understand?'

'Yes, sir,' I said quickly, rather intimidated by the glare of his black eyes, boring into mine. 'I will do my best.'

'Tomorrow night, six pm,' Professor Snape repeated and with these words he returned to his desk before I could even say thanks.

*

It took me a long time to fall asleep that night. I felt euphoric at my triumph, but at the same time I was afraid. The last words Snape had said to me had made me aware what I had embarked on. Private lessons with Snape would be no coffee morning. He had warned me. I would have to do my best, so I'd better start immediately. The next day before the meeting I would revise everything I had ever learned in Potions. I would prepare myself as good as possible. I would not let him regret having agreed to teach me.


	2. Misconduct

**II. Misconduct**

I was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom, which was luckily empty, and looked at myself. I had taken a shower and put on my uniform. Normally everybody wore free time clothes on weekends, but I wanted to indicate that I was taking Snape's private lessons at least as seriously as any other regular classes. I had also pinned my light brown hair from both sides of my face to the back so that it wouldn't obstruct me in case I would be doing some practical work.

I went to my dormitory and packed my Potions book, parchment and quill into my bag. It was too early, but I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything else now anyway, so I set off for Professor Snape's office without hurry. Fortunately, I didn't meet any of my friends who would have asked me where I was going.

It was quarter to six when I stopped in front of the office door. It would surely be impolite to get in that early, so I waited nervously. I used the time – which seemed to go past more slowly than usual – to have some last looks into my book.

When it was two minutes to six, I decided that this was the perfect time to enter. I knocked. It was a rather shy knock and had probably revealed my nervousness.

'Come in.'

Trying to stay calm, I pulled at the door knob and got in. I felt oddly observed as I closed the door behind me. Snape was sitting at a large dark desk, made of massive wood, his back towards one of the walls, which were almost completely hidden by cupboards and shelves full of jars. On the opposite side of the desk, there was an empty chair.

'Sit.'

I sat. We looked at each other. For something to do I removed my bag from my shoulder and leaned it neatly against the side of the desk. I looked up again. Snape's close examination made me feel… was it uneasiness or excitement? On the one hand I was happy and proud that he gave me his attention. On the other hand I was frightened about it.

'At first we will clear up the rules,' Snape began calmly. The rules. Of course. It had been bound to be something like this he would start with. 'Firstly, while you are within my private rooms, you will only do what you are ordered to.'

He looked at me even more intensely than before and only continued when I had nodded slightly.

'Secondly, you will work on the tasks I will set you for the times between our lessons properly – as I already told you, I will not waste my time if the point in these meetings will stay indiscernible.'

A pause. A nod.

'Thirdly, in case the studies prove successful, you will also do some practical work. Then you will find the ingredients you need in this cupboard – in this one only. If you need anything else, you will receive it directly from me. And -,' he made an emphasizing pause, his gaze climbing to the most enquiring degree so far, '- _this_ cupboard will stay locked. This side of the desk is out of bounds for you.'

I gave the forbidden cupboard in the corner behind Snape's back a quick look. It was narrow and left enough place for the large shelf between it and the door leading to Snape's bedroom. Then I fixed my eyes quickly back on him and tried to conceal my curiosity.

'Do you assert that you will follow these rules, Miss Layner?'

'Yes, sir.'

'You'd rather,' he said in a very low and warning voice, almost making me shudder. 'And now – the Fisher pairs.'

The sudden change of subject took me by surprise and I felt like being kicked into a NEWTs examination without having known the date before. After all, this was a testing period and I had never felt so much pressure before.

Without any further introduction, Snape started to lecture me about the Fisher pairs. I had to do my very best to keep up with his explanations, which was an unfamiliar experience for me. I could not allow myself to miss a single sentence as every now and then, one of them would unexpectedly transform into a question. The first two of them referred to former lessons and I could answer them rather easily. The third one, however, demanded a conclusion of what he had just explained. At first I was at a loss for words, my mind suddenly blank. I just stared at Snape for a few seconds, my pulse accelerating. Snape just waited for my answer and I forced myself to think about it calmly. The next moment, the answer was there and I was sure it was right before I had spoken it. The words came out of my mouth with relief and with joy about the new and fascinating knowledge I had just achieved.

After I had managed to answer those first questions correctly, I managed to compose myself at least a bit, but there was a basic tension, which rested.

*

When I left Snape's office two hours later, my head felt slightly dizzy. I'd probably just learned a week's worth of theory. I hurried into my dormitory and started scribbling madly on a roll of parchment. I mustn't forget anything he had told me. In my concentration on memorizing everything, it only crossed my mind that I could use magic to write down everything after the first three points.

My first homework was to learn by heart the fifty most important gelidus toxins and the fifty most important fervidus ones. But as Snape had told me helpful features how to guess right, it wasn't that hard to do. When I was tested the following Saturday I did everything perfectly despite my nervousness. I even received a 'good' from Snape, although it didn't sound very enthusiastic. But coming from him, it was at least something, and I felt that I had given him a good first impression of myself.

The lessons with Professor Snape were always the tensest hours of the week, and those that required the highest amount of concentration. But as much I was nervous about them as much I was looking forward to each and every lesson. They had become one of the things I valued most at Hogwarts. They were a passion and of course, they were a secret. A secret between the redoubtable Potions Master and me – I could hardly believe the honour. I didn't have one best friend whom I shared everything with like most of the girls had. I simply was on good terms or kind of friends with all of them. I liked it that way. It left me my privacy and the freedom to keep my secrets, or rather: my one big secret. Of course, I didn't know if Snape had told anyone of the staff, but I doubted it.

After almost two months, he suddenly announced that I was to do brew a potion in our private lesson for the first time. It was something we had already done in an official lesson. I had only received an 'A' then (which most of the others would have been proud of), but was supposed to do it perfectly this time, while he would observe my every movement. It was kind of scary, much worse than answering difficult questions. I believed myself better at the theory anyway and it didn't help that I was busy trying to keep my hand from shaking, just because he was watching.

Sometimes I sensed Snape's impatience because of my clumsy techniques and now and then he would snatch the knife out of my hand and demonstrate how to do it more efficiently. But at least, he seemed satisfied with the final result. I was burning to know whether I would have received an 'O' for this one, but I was too shy to ask.

*

The second practical lesson, I grew more confident of myself – a bit too confident maybe. Having put all my knew knowledge about techniques into it, I had received an 'E' for my potion of the last official lesson, and I was just in an excellent mood because Snape hadn't corrected my work on that day's project – something new to me this time – so far. Had there really just been a tiny hint of an approving look on Snape's face, which I had glanced at for a second out of the corner of my eyes?

At this moment, Snape got up and I expected him to interfere. However, he stopped at the shorter end of the desk.

'You will be able to carry on alone for a moment, I trust, as you will only have to watch the cauldron and stir now and then while it boils just now. I have to settle something. I will be back in about ten minutes, in time for the next significant step.'

'All right, sir.'

He left. I could hardly believe that he was really leaving me alone in his office with a potion in process. But the potion was really rather boring right now. Actually, I had nothing to do for quarter of an hour, unless the potion would do something unexpected.

My gaze fell upon the narrow cupboard on the other side of the desk. I hesitated. A short glance into it wouldn't hurt, would it? I was so curious what Snape was so mysterious about and a chance like this would probably not come again so soon, if at all.

I gave the potion a final glance and a stir, then walked around the desk quietly, my pulse accelerating quite a bit. I didn't usually break rules.

The cupboard was of course locked, but I tipped it lightly with my wand, whispering 'Alohomora'. I would lock it with the counter-spell afterwards, so Snape wouldn't notice anything. Excitedly, I pulled the door open.

Inside the little cupboard, there was nothing but a single phial. It captured my full attention immediately. There was a strong magic about it, even by looking at it. The liquid within was shimmering silvery blue and green. One moment I wanted to close the cupboard again quickly and return to my seat, the next, I couldn't resist the strange urge to take the phial. To my surprise, the glass felt quite warm. It somehow felt very good. I touched the phial with both hands and it was clear to me now that I would keep it. It was as though the liquid was telling me that it belonged to me, that it had in fact waited for me all the time.

Remembering that Snape could return soon, I locked the cupboard by magic and returned to my seat. Then I carefully put my beloved phial into the side-pocket of my schoolbag.

I closed the zipper.

What the hell had I done? Was I mental? I couldn't keep this bottle! It was Snape's and I wasn't even supposed to get near it! Immediately, I opened the zipper again, in order to put the bottle back to its right place before it was too late. But once I had put my fingers around the phial, I remembered that it was clearly meant to be mine. How could I even think of putting it back? That was of course out of the question! I closed the zipper.

I stared at the bag in fright. What was happening to me? I had to put the bottle back, I had to! But how on earth…? I was about to try again when I heard steps. I straightened up in shock and quickly continued stirring my potion. I tried to calm my inner turmoil. The problem with the bottle had to wait until later. Snape must not notice that I was upset.

The door behind me opened. I forced myself to breathe slowly and to think of my work only. By the time Snape entered my field of view, I had managed to put a hopefully convincing carefree expression on my face. I looked at him shortly, gave him a shy smile as I sometimes used to and received, as always, none in return.

For the first time, I thought that the end of the lesson could hardly come quickly enough. Every time Snape moved I feared he would for some obscure reason open the forbidden cupboard or seize my bag. Of course he did neither, but also my desperate hope that he would leave a second time stayed unfulfilled.

When at last I had finished my task, I could hardly rejoice in the fact that Snape was satisfied and added my potion to his private stores after having made only one small addition. Out of his office, I kept my pace at an unsuspicious speed with effort. The bottle was still in my bag. The bottle was still in my bag! Bloody hell, this was thievery! When would Snape look into the cupboard the next time?

The dormitory was luckily empty when I entered it. I put down my bag next to my bed, on which I sat down weakly. For about a minute, I was unable to do anything. Then I pulled out my trunk from under the bed and took out my blue and silver Ravenclaw scarf. Under it I covered my bag and opened the zipper blindly. Always keeping the scarf between my other hand and the bottle, it retrieved it out of the bag and wrapped it in the scarf without touching the glass or getting even a glimpse of the liquid within. Now I was mentally ready to give it back, but how I could do it without Snape noticing I did not know. I tipped the scarf with my wand and a cord tied it up safely within a second. I put the bundle into the drawer of my bedside table, which I locked by magic.

Sleep did not come easy that night.


	3. Choice

**III. Choice**

'Miss Layner, I would like to have a word.'

My heart almost missed a beat. I tried to look mildly interested instead of utterly shocked. It was in the end of Tuesday's Potions lesson and all students were just cleaning up. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Angela looking up.

'If you would just stay a few minutes longer,' said Snape calmly, his voice not any different from always.

'Yes, sir,' I answered, my heart racing now. Snape turned on the spot and walked off towards his desk. Angela gave me a sympathetic glance, which was at the same time slightly surprised. I was not usually the one in trouble.

'Maybe it's nothing bad,' she said in a low and comforting voice. 'Well, see you later…'

'Yeah…'

The students left. If only I could just follow! It was completely silent now and every footstep of mine was clearly to be heard as I approached Snape's desk. Before I had reached it, Snape got up and set off for the door which led to his office.

'Follow me.'

I gulped. Snape held the door open until I had passed and he closed it behind me.

'Sit.'

We sat down on both sides of the desk. Snape looked at me tensely and I forced myself to look back at him. Anything else would have been too suspicious.

There was a silence. A frightening one.

'It was yesterday evening that I noticed that one of my belongings is missing.'

I raised my eyebrows, while my heart seemed to make a movement in the opposite direction. The good impression I had given of myself was standing on the edge.

'It has disappeared out of this cupboard,' Snape continued. I looked at it. Any break from Snape's inquiring eyes was welcome. 'Can you imagine what that was, Miss Layner?'

My fear and shame were too huge.

'No, sir.' I forced myself to look back into his eyes. They were doubtful. They were boring into mine. They were sending goose bumps down my spine.

'You are aware that you are the one who is in my office most frequently besides myself, are you Miss Layner?' Snape asked dangerously.

'Yes, sir.'

'And I'm sure you also remember that I allowed you to be unobserved in my office only three days ago?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Miss Layner, have you taken anything out of my office which you should not have taken?'

I surely was close to fainting.

'No, sir,' I said more firmly than before.

Snape bend forward a few inches.

'Don't – lie – to me.'

'I'm not lying! Honestly, sir!' I said, my breathing becoming heavier. My mouth was dry.

There was another silence. It was the most uncomfortable silence I had ever spent.

'Miss Layner,' Snape said slowly. 'I'd advise you to confess.'

But I couldn't. I had already lied too much. It was too late now. I had to do everything to convince him of my nonexistent innocence. It was the only choice I had left.

'There is nothing to confess, sir, really!'

I flinched when there was a jerk of Snape's arm and a single knock. I looked down at the desk. There suddenly was a tiny bottle, filled with a black liquid, between us.

'Do you know what this is?'

'No, sir,' I said, truthfully this time. I stared at it worriedly.

'This,' Snape said, 'is a Lie-Revealing Potion. It will cause the drinker strong pain if any untruthful word has passed his lips within the previous seven minutes.'

I was in panic. I hadn't expected this! I was lost now. I opened my mouth to admit everything but Snape cut me short.

'Drink it.'

'Sir, I –'

Snape held up his hand and looked at me in the sternest way so far.

'Drink it,' he repeated in not much more than a whisper. The message was unmistakable. I had missed my chance to confess freely. He waited, unmoving as stone. I was petrified, too, in shock. I could hardly breathe. There was no way out of this.

I took the bottle and emptied it in one gulp. My mouth and throat immediately started to burn. I put the bottle back onto the desk and sat stiff as a statue. Was there any way that I could conceal the pain, which was now spreading my whole body more and more?

It was not. It felt as though thousands of needles were piercing me from the inside and the pain was becoming stronger and stronger. Already I could hardly stand it. My muscles were clenching. It was still becoming worse.

It was too much. I sank down from my chair onto the stone floor. I was on my hands and knees. Soon I was on my belly and face. My muscles were twitching uncontrollably and it was still getting worse. I could not even think about how humiliating this was. The pain was too strong. I wasn't able to relax my hurting muscles. I couldn't stand it anymore. I was gasping for air and it was still getting worse. I couldn't stand it.

'Please! Please!' I called out, twitching on the ground, gasping. I wanted to die. 'PLEASE!'

I heard the sound of a second bottle being placed onto the desk. Desperately and with all the strength I had left, I reared up and snatched the bottle from the table before falling to the ground again. Within a second I had removed the stopper and swallowed the content. The empty bottle shattered on the ground. Every single muscle was still twitching and the pain was still unbearable, but it was slowly fading. At the same time my clear consciousness was coming back and my shame was almost as bad as the pain.

I was still wheezing when the twitching had stopped, but I didn't move. I was rested on my forearms and stared at the ground. I didn't dare look up. I held my breath when I sensed some movement.

There was a sudden strong pull at my robes and I was forced onto my feet. Snape's face was only inches away from mine and I couldn't back off because he had me firmly grasped by the collar. I had never seen him so furious. When I couldn't stand his glare anymore, I closed my eyes, my face distorted in despair.

I was hustled backwards and let go. I almost fell over. I stared at Snape in fright. His face was cold and he stretched out his arm, pointing at the door.

'Out!' he spat.

I backed away until my shoulders hit the wall. Then I stood still, inwardly begging for mercy. But there was no mercy in Snape's eyes.

'Our lessons are at an end. Get – out!'

I turned around and ran for it.

It was only in the dormitory, my face pressed into my cushion, that I cried bitterly.

*

The next day, the other girls in my dormitory could not possibly overlook my puffy eyes. I told them something about a horrible nightmare and used a De-swelling Charm on myself. Nathalie told me that I still looked rather dreadful, but they asked no more.

I was miserable the whole day.

And I was miserable the whole next day.

And I was utterly horrified about Potions on Friday. Facing Snape again would be a nightmare.

However, one could hardly talk about facing. Snape didn't come near me the whole lesson. I might as well have been invisible. I gave all my devotion to the potion we were to brew, but he didn't come to look at it. I felt like having a heavy stone in my stomach.

I stayed behind when the other students left for lunch. The scarf bundle was in my schoolbag, ready to rejoin its true owner.

I was standing before Snape's desk, where he was putting something back into a drawer.

'Sir?' I said tentatively.

He didn't look up.

'Professor Snape, I'm sorry,' I forced out in a small voice.

Snape got up and walked off towards the door without deigning to look at me.

'Sir!' I called after him desperately. He was gone. I was standing alone in the dungeon classroom helplessly.

The weekend crept by. On Saturday I already missed Snape's tutoring as much as I had missed my parents during the first month at Hogwarts. I wished so much to return to Snape's office as though nothing had happened. Why had I been such a fool? But I would not give up that quickly. I would fight for what had become precious to me.

On Tuesday I was ready to try again.

Snape was already on his feet when the last student except for me had left. I stepped into his way, feeling very small.

'Professor!' I said pleadingly.

Snape stepped aside and passed me.

'Look at me!' I called at his back. 'You can't ignore me the next two years!'

Snape turned with a jerk.

'Don't tell me what I can or not, Miss Layner!'

At last a reaction, though not quite the one I had hoped for. But I had to seize the opportunity.

'Please, sir! I want to give it back to you,' I said, bearing Snape's hateful glare while I got the bundle out of my bag.

'How very noble of you,' Snape said dryly. I lowered my gaze and stretched out the bundle farther away from me.

'Please, sir, I haven't opened it.'

With an angry movement, Snape snatched it out of my hand and removed cord and scarf with a flick of his wand. I was scared to look at the bottle, but he held it directly in front of my face. It looked the same as the last time, but somehow it didn't. I felt no wish to seize it. I looked at Snape, whose lips were thin.

'Storing under the wrong conditions makes it useless.'

'I'm sorry,' I said feebly, staring at the ground.

'I hope you are.'

'Sir… I didn't want to take it. I - … It had control over me.'

'You don't need to tell me. I know all about the potion's magic perfectly well. Which, of course, makes you a poor victim,' Snape said coldly.

'No, sir, I didn't mean –' I stammered.

'Because it is not true,' Snape cut me short. 'Didn't I make it very clear that you are not to go anywhere near that cupboard? And yet you chose to violate my orders deliberately. And then you don't even confess what you have done, but lie right into my face. I gave you my time. I taught you. And this is how you thank me?'

'Sir…,' I whimpered. 'I know it was wrong… But did you never need a second chance?'

Snape took a large step towards me and forced me back against his desk. His eyes suddenly looked troubled. I was quite sure that the answer to my question was 'yes'.

'You are a thief, you are insolent and you are a liar. And yet you dare to come back and demand that I continue to teach you!'

He might as well have slapped me round the face. I was at a loss for words. What did you reply to an insult if it was true? I stared at Snape desperately, my eyes pleading.

'You are so arrogant that you think only because you are an above-average student you could get away with everything, could demand everything.'

It felt as though Snape had stuck a knife into my chest. I had erred, yes, and I had lied. But arrogant? Was I really?

Despair overwhelming me, I fell down to my knees.

'I know it is not up to me to demand anything. But I would do everything to make you forgive me!'

Snape grasped my arm irritably and pulled me back to my feet.

'Everything you say?' he asked provocatively.

I hesitated. I was very careful not to say anything untruthful again. But I trusted Snape, in a way. He would not want me to do anything illegal or immoral. And was there anything else I would not accept?

'Not everything, but everything you would demand of me,' I said.

There was a short silence.

'I give you a choice,' Snape finally said. His eyes were boring into mine. 'If you accept my punishment, we will continue the lessons. Otherwise you will mention them no more.'

Hope and fear were fighting for predominance. Snape was waiting for my answer.

'What –?' I began, but his glare told me that I was not allowed to ask.

'You can be sure that the punishment will be severe,' Snape said, towering over me. 'Well?'

My mind was blank. What would he do to me? I flung myself into the dark abyss.

'I accept,' I whispered. I could not read in Snape's face whether this was the answer he had hoped for or not.

'Be at my office on Saturday, usual time.'

With these words he turned and left the classroom.


	4. Punishment

**IV. Punishment**

During the Friday lesson, Snape was not any warmer towards me than the lesson before. This time, I avoided him in return.

I barely slept that night and I didn't take any breakfast in the morning for fear that I might vomit. Never in my whole life had I felt that scared. I didn't know what expected me and I didn't know if I would be even more frightened if I knew. During the almost five years I had already spent at Hogwarts, I had never received a punishment except for five points from Ravenclaw by Professor McGonagall for the only time I had ever been late. I was not used to being guilty.

The feared hour was approaching… I had never wished anything as much as I now wished to make the last to weeks undone.

But the feared hour was approaching… Only fifty minutes left. I couldn't think of anything else. I had come to the conclusion that I deserved whatever was coming, but it didn't make it any easier.

The feared hour was approaching…

The feared hour had come. It was one minute to six and I was standing in front of the heavy wooden door to Snape's office and stretched out one hand. It was trembling. I felt sick.

Knock – knock – knock…

'Enter.'

I took a deep breath and pulled the door open. The office had always been slightly eerie, lit only by a few candles, which cast a dancing light upon jars with gloomy pickled animal parts.

Snape was standing next to his desk.

'Good evening, Miss Layner.'

I said nothing. Snape knew well enough that this would be no good evening for me. I looked at the desk. My worst fears, which I hadn't dared to think, proved true. There, lying on the desk, ready to be used, was a simple leather belt.

'Remove you robes and jumper,' said Snape.

I stared at him in horror and opened my mouth to protest. Snape did nothing. He just waited for what I would do. I wondered if he would allow me to retreat if I changed my mind now. I closed my mouth again, pressing my lips together. I looked away from Snape.

How much would it hurt? There was barely anything I was more afraid of than I was of pain. Probably most people had endured more pain than I had. I was a careful girl. No broken bones so far, no severe injuries at all. How much would it hurt?

Frantically, I tried to convince myself that this was good. It would let the private lessons continue and it would make sure that I would never be so foolish again to endanger them once more.

Slowly, my fingers sweaty and cold, I opened the buckle of my robes. This was so humiliating. Watched by Snape, I took off the cloak and hung it over the back of the chair. Then I pulled the uniform jumper over my head and it joined the cloak. I stood before Snape in my shirt, avoiding his gaze. I had troubles keeping my breath calm.

'Stretch out your arms.'

I followed his order, although I didn't know to what this would lead. Snape tipped my ankles with his wand. Two ropes enlaced them and tied themselves to the ceiling, pulling my hands upwards. My arms formed a tight 'V' and I stood on tiptoes to prevent the ropes from cutting into the flesh of my ankles. I was trapped.

Snape performed another non-verbal spell and my shirt was pulled loose out from under my skirt. Then its back was ripped apart and the slit opened wide. My skin was exposed and I was at Snape's mercy. I was in panic. I couldn't move. I couldn't flee. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Snape taking the belt. My insides were screaming no.

_This is good. This is necessary. It will make sure I won't do something foolish again._

Snape stepped out of my field of view. He was behind me now. I was filled up with horror to the rim.

_This is good. This is necessary. It will make me a better person._

I was waiting for the first blow.

_This is good. It's a good evening._

What was he waiting for?

_This is good –_

SWOOP. I gasped. I would have lost balance if the ropes hadn't held me in place. My weight pulled at my ankles. I lifted myself back onto my tiptoes.

SWOOP. The skin of my back was on fire. It was worse than I had expected. Every cell of my body was screaming for release.

SWOOP. The pain pressed the air out of me and sent tears to my eyes.

_Please, please, stop it!_

But I would not beg for mercy. Then everything would have been for nothing.

SWOOP. I had my eyes pressed together. I whimpered. I had difficulties to breathe. How much longer?

SWOOP. I wriggled as much as the ropes allowed. I had given up standing on my tiptoes. My ankles were aching and it felt as though there was no blood left in my arms. But it was nothing compared to the pain of my back.

SWOOP. I wouldn't be able to stand this much longer.

_Please, please, stop it!_

SWOOP. This one hurt especially much. I breathed noisily. I could tell that Snape was not using all of his strength. I would be bleeding like mad if he did.

SWOOP. It hurt like hell.

_Please not another one, please!_

SWOOP.

Silence. Relief. Exhaustion.

I heard Snape putting the belt back onto his desk. The ropes vanished and I fell limply to the ground. My hands felt hot as the blood flowed back into them. I noticed that my shirt was fixed again and Snape dropped my jumper in front of me.

I was trembling violently and it took me a while to put the jumper back on. Once I had finished, Snape seized my upper arm and pulled me upright. I expected to be sent to my common room now, but I was wrong.

'Get into the corner.'

I felt like crying. Was my punishment not over yet? My back still burning like mad, I went to the only free corner of the office and stood there facing the bleak stone wall.

'You will stay there without moving or making any noise,' Snape ordered.

I said nothing.

There was the noise of a chair being moved and the rustling of parchment. Silence. The scratching sound of a quill every couple of seconds.

There was nothing new to hear and the stone wall was even more boring. My thoughts started to drift.

Had this been how Snape usually punished students who were in detention? No, of course not. Teachers weren't allowed to. That was why Snape had given me the choice. At least I supposed so.

It was not for long until I wished nothing more that to sit down, or better, to sleep. Now that the horrible tension I had felt all day was gone, tiredness swept over me. For the first time I felt the lack of sleep and food. My stomach was completely empty and I was thirsty, too. My feet were already protesting and my head began to feel dizzy.

How long would Snape let me stand here? I had soon lost track of time completely. I only knew that I had been standing for very long already. I would have liked to check my watch, but this certainly counted as movement. I didn't dare to shift my weight from one foot to the other either. I wanted to prevent Snape from being angry at all costs.

_Never, never again_, I thought.

It had to be very late… My feet were hurting and I knew that I wouldn't be able to stand much longer. But there was no sign that Snape would soon allow me to leave.

How could I have let it come so far? If only I had not lied. I was sure it would not have been nearly as bad if I had told him the truth straightaway. How could I have thought lying would help me?

I was so exhausted that even the cold stone floor was suddenly very inviting. How much longer? Had Snape forgotten that I was there? Was it already after midnight? Had he gone to bed? No, there was the scribbling again…

I could tell that the blood pressure in my head was dropping. The ground seemed to sway slightly. Black spots were spreading my field of view… I was falling backwards…

The last thing I knew was that my head hit the ground and that it was finally over.

*

Why did Angela and Nathalie look at me in that strange way? They were obviously thinking that I looked horrible. Was I really? My eyes weren't puffy again, were they? Maybe it was because I had wrapped my Ravenclaw scarf around my head like a turban. People didn't usually do that, right? But who cared? It felt so nice, so warm…

The scarf at my forehead shifted slightly. Was that normal? A scarf shifting of its own accord? Well, everything was possible at Hogwarts, wasn't it? But when I came to think about it… I didn't remember having put that scarf around my head…

Very slowly, I disengaged myself from my dream. I realized that it was not a scarf at all, but a hand, which was laid upon my forehead. I didn't open my eyes, though. I felt very comfortable right now. Apparently, I was lying in a bed.

Then I remembered. The fear. The pain. But it seemed very far away now. I just felt comfortable.

The hand was removed.

I felt wide awake now, but I didn't want to return to reality. I feared that waking up would take away my current complacency.

I sensed some movement next to me. My curiosity won. Finally, I opened my eyes.

It was a small room without window, lit only by candles and a small fireplace. Apart from the bed, in which I was lying, there was an ancient looking armchair, a wardrobe and a bedside table. No decoration.

On the armchair, facing me, sat Professor Snape.

'How are you feeling?' he asked. His voice was as neutral as could be.

'I'm fine,' I mumbled. Which I was, bodily at least. I felt well rested and didn't feel any pain, which surprised me.

I checked my watch. It said quarter past 10, but I noticed at once that it was out of order. The glass was broken and the arms didn't move. This must be the time when I had lost consciousness.

Where was my wand? I was still dressed in my uniform, only my robes where nowhere to be seen and I had put my wand in one of its inside pockets.

'What's the time, sir?' I asked tentatively. His presence made me feel most uneasy after what had happened.

'It is almost midday. You were fast asleep before you could regain consciousness,' Snape answered and passed me a goblet, filled to the rim with a murky orange substance. 'Drink this.'

I sat up carefully and took the goblet. I didn't ask what sort of potion this was, but chose to trust Snape that it would be good for me. It tasted acerbic, but made me feel warm.

'Thanks,' I said. I suspected that I had already received some other treatment from Snape while I had been sleeping. Both my head and my back felt perfectly normal.

However, there was another, more important question on my mind. Even the mere thought of asking it made my pulse accelerate.

I placed the empty goblet onto the bedside table and watched Snape. He was not looking at me. His eyes were unfocused and he seemed deep in thoughts.

'Sir…,' I began in a small voice. 'Are you still angry with me?'

Snape didn't react and resolutely kept staring into nothingness. But I knew that he had heard me. A twitching muscle of his face had betrayed him.

What was that supposed to mean? Didn't he want me to know or wasn't he quite sure about it himself? I changed my strategy.

'Sir,' I began again, but this time I waited until he finally turned to face me. 'I swear I will never lie to you again.'

None of us broke the eye-contact. We both sat stiff as statues and for a moment it seemed as if time had decided it deserved a rest. Then Snape slowly raised one eyebrow.

'And what do you think might give me reason to believe you?'

I hesitated.

'I will make the Unbreakable Vow.'

Snape got up abruptly.

'Don't be silly,' he said harshly, and – just for something to do? – pulled out his wand and made the goblet vanish.

'I'm earnest,' I said calmly while Snape was tucking his wand back into his pocket rather carefully. I was slightly frightened about that idea, but even more determined.

Still on his feet, Snape looked at me inquiringly.

'An Unbreakable Vow is out of the question,' he said.

'Then you can only believe my plain promise,' I replied.

Snape said nothing, but his eyes told me that he accepted.


End file.
